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  • Lana

Controlling Wellness


So there I was... minding my own business, working on improving myself by taking a personality test and doing some inspirational reading. I don't hold a lot of stock in personality tests, but I'm always curious to see how others might view me.


I don't know a lot about the Color Code Personality Assessment but they claim to be "the most accurate, comprehensive, and easy to use personality test available." It seemed like a fun test to take at the time, but what I wasn't expecting was my reaction to the results.


Turns out, I'm a blue. "Blues are motivated by Intimacy. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal" oh and you know what else blue's are? Controlling AF.


What


the


hell?


Maybe I should mention that over the years, I have been told that I can come across direct and controlling. I have never given these comments too much stock because when asked for specific examples it would come down to how I ran Simmons and Simmons LLC (our household). As a military spouse, I felt the need to have all our ducks in a row. We never knew what situations would be thrown at our family, so my planning.... errrr controlling nature seemed to thrive in this environment shrouded as organization and thoughtfulness.


After taking this test, I called my husband on his drive to work and asked, "hey, so, I just took this personality test and it says I have a tendency to be controlling. Am I controlling?"


Silence.


Yeah... this wasn't really the reaction I thought I was going to receive. I could hear him quickly putting on this tap shoes to dance around the question because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I stopped him mid-baby-I-love-you-as-you-are-sentence (hello controlling nature kickin' up) and told him to stop and just give it to me straight, but I already knew the answer.


If I stop to really reflect on my thoughts and actions, I have two besties: anxiety and control. Anxiety finds every way possible to remind me that I'm failing as a human. Control says, yes you are failing, but I have the answers. Control shows up in my life as a hard core diet, as a strict budget, as research so you can tell doctors they are wrong, as not sharing vulnerable parts of myself in a relationship so that I won't be judged or the information used against me in the future.


It seems control is my way of keeping my family safe, my relationships safe, my heart safe. I do think discipline is important, but at what point does discipline go over board and become control? Well, I don't know... you're talking to a control freak so how would I know? I thought I was keepin' life on track with my bestie control!


So what does all this have to do with wellness? Well a strict diet is the very definition of control. A strict diet is based on the belief that you are a dummy when it comes to YOUR body and you need to be told what to eat and when. If the diet says jump, you ask how high! This realization, that I'm a controlling ass hole, has given me an opportunity to look at my current wellness plan and ask if it feels controlling. Will I be able to go out to eat? Yes. If I am unable to write down what I'm eating will I totally fall off my plan? No. If I miss a day of exercise, will I die? No. Have I eliminated any food groups from my plan? No. If/When I overeat will I die a thousand deaths and not get back on plan? No. Am I supposed to eat when I'm not hungry? No. But if I happen to eat when I'm not hungry will I go on a binge and be super ashamed of myself? No.


When major upheavals happen in my life, I cozy up to control and let control drive all she wants. I don't know what the answers are, but I do know I have to figure out how to chip away at my control wall. As crazy as it sounds, but this new less controlling (?), relationship I have with food may help teach me how to be this way in other areas of my life.


I'd love to hear your thoughts on control, especially if you're a controlling human such as *ahem* myself. Message me on Instagram or send me an e-mail to lanarethinkingwellness@gmail.com